26

All　the　money　was　gone！　Chang　Wen　had　sold　every　piece　of　Lotus　Charm's　jewelry,　and　they　had　eaten　on　the　proceeds.　Now　they　were　hungry,　and　her　stomach　was　larger　than　ever,　so　large　that　she　hated　to　be　seen　outside　the　little　room.

She　had　never　imagined　pregnancy　could　make　a　woman　so　unattractive.　Her　face　had　lost　its　fine　lines.　In　the　morning　it　was　puffy　and　flabby,　and　she　found　it　difficult　to　smile.　Even　when　she　made　herself　up　with　what　remained　of　the　cosmetics　she　could　not　hide　the　sickly　pallor　of　her　face.　She　hated　herself　and　was　sorry　for　herself　at　the　same　time.　Her　feet　and　legs　were　swelling.　There　were　days　when　she　could　not　get　her　shoes　on.

Above　all,　she　was　afraid　of　losing　Chang　Wen.　Often　she　looked　at　herself　in　the　mirror　and　asked　how　any　man　could　want　to　stay　with　a　woman　so　ugly.　Chang　Wen　still　made　love　to　her,　but　she　had　the　feeling　that　it　was　about　to　end,　that　she　must　cling　to　life　as　best　she　could　—　two　and　a　half　people　in　bed　together:　Chang,　herself,　and　the　unborn　child,　hers　the　responsibility　to　hold　his　heart　for　the　child.

There　was　no　tenderness　in　Chang's　embraces　now.　His　attentions　to　her　were　those　of　a　sex_hungry　male.　He　took　what　he　wanted,　and　then　threw　her　aside.　Once　he　smacked　her　bottom　hard　to　get　her　to　move　over;　another　time　he　upbraided　her　for　taking　too　much　of　the　bed.　“Get　that　stomach　of　yours　out　of　the　way,"　he　shouted.　She　turned　her　face　to　the　wall　and　wept　silently,　but　did　not　protest.　He　was　her　man,　her　lord　and　master.

The　next　morning　she　greeted　him　with　tender　warmth.　In　her　heart　she　felt　it　had　been　childish　to　weep;　she　was　sure　he　had　the　right　to　abuse　her.　Her　stomach　was　big,　and　it　had　got　in　his　way;　she　was　contrite.

But　Chang　Wen　was　in　no　mood　for　tenderness.　He　sat　up　in　bed,　smoking　a　cigarette,　his　black　eyes　narrowed　in　thought.　Suddenly　he　blew　a　whiff　of　smoke　in　her　direction　and　laughed.　“Go　get　some　money　from　your　father,　Lotus　Charm.　We've　got　to　eat.　I　have　nothing　left."

She　looked　at　him　round_eyed.　He　couldn't　be　serious！　Didn't　he　know　that　she　and　her　father　had　quarreled？　That　she　had　treated　her　father　badly;　so　badly　that　she　was　ashamed？　“Oh,"　she　half　whispered,　“oh,　no,　I　couldn't　do　that."

“Don't　be　a　fool,"　he　chided　angrily.　“Your　father　has　money.　We　need　it.　Why　shouldn't　we　have　some　of　what　he　robbed　you　of？"

She　shook　her　head.　To　disobey　her　lover　hurt　her,　but　she　could　not　abuse　her　father　any　more.　She　would　not　shame　herself　anew　by　going　to　ask　for　help.　Chang　Wen's　fists　were　clenched,　as　if　he　was　determined　to　beat　her　into　submission.　She　observed　the　gesture,　but　made　no　move.　Then　with　a　short　sharp　snarl　of　anger,　he　threw　on　his　shirt,　pulled　on　his　pants,　and　went　out.

She　stayed　in　bed　alone　for　two　days.　She　had　no　food,　no　money　to　buy　anything,　no　inclination　to　do　anything　but　brood.　Her　body　was　heavier　than　ever.　She　had　trouble　turning　over,　and　hour　by　hour　she　experienced　a　nausea　from　hunger.

When　Chang　Wen　finally　came　back　he　offered　no　explanation　for　having　been　away,　and　she　asked　none.　She　lay　in　bed,　smiling　and　radiant,　hoping　he　would　come　to　her.　As　he　peeled　off　his　shirt,　he　said,　“Why　don't　you　go　out　and　sing？　We　have　to　have　some　money.　Yes,　that's　an　idea.　Go　and　sing　somewhere."

“But　I　can't　this　way,"　she　half　laughed.　“What　would　people　say　if　they　saw　my　big　stomach？　When　the　baby　is　born　it　will　be　different.　Besides,　there　isn't　a　company　with　which　I　can　sing　except　my　father's.　There's　only　one　drum_singing　outfit　in　Chungking."

“Then　go　back　and　work　with　him."

“I　cannot.　I　couldn't　go　on　the　stage　like　this　and　disgrace　my　father."

“What　do　you　mean　—　disgrace？　What's　the　disgrace？"　Chang　Wen　couldn't　understand　what　she　meant.　He　could　see　no　disgrace　in　a　girl　getting　in　the　family　way,　least　of　all,　a　drum　singer.　He　liked　Lotus　Charm　as　woman　went,　but　he　found　her　reluctance　to　make　money　very　irritating.　“You　go　and　sing　for　your　father,"　he　ordered.

“No,"　she　cried,　“it　would　be　too　much.　I　cannot　disgrace　him."

“Disgrace！"　he　sneered.　“What　the　hell　can　a　drum　singer　do　to　disgrace　anyone？"

Something　inside　Lotus　Charm　snapped　—　the　last　frayed　thread　of　her　respect　for　him,　the　invisible　spiritual　bond　beyond　physical　passion.　From　now　on,　things　would　be　different.　She　had　never　thought　he　would　say　such　a　thing.　He　did　not　really　love　her.　He　did　not　appreciate　that　she　had　left　her　home　for　him,　that　she　had　given　up　her　career.

Chang　Wen　left　that　night.　He　did　not　come　home　for　three　days.　Lotus　Charm　could　not　count　the　darkness　or　the　daylight.　She　was　through　with　life.　Should　she　commit　suicide　and　end　her　misery？　She　was　willing　to　put　herself　out　of　the　way,　but　the　presence　of　the　child　checked　her.　It　would　not　be　right　to　kill　an　innocent　child　for　his　mother's　sin.

On　the　second　day　she　got　up.　She　was　so　weak　she　could　hardly　walk.　All　she　had　tasted　since　Chang　had　gone　was　a　few　rice　cakes　and　some　tea.　But　she　had　to　go　out,　to　get　some　air.　Walking　was　painful;　her　feet　hurt;　the　swelling　in　her　legs　was　agony.　Where　she　was　going　she　did　not　know.　She　was　dragging　along,　stumbling　and　halting.　And　then　she　saw　that　she　was　at　the　end　of　the　street　leading　to　her　father's　place.　She　must　never　go　there.　Never！　She　turned　and　hurried　back　to　her　room.

Perhaps　some　of　Chang　Wen's　friends　would　come　to　see　him.　That　would　lighten　the　burden　of　her　dark　lonely　days.　She　could　ask　them　to　find　Chang　and　bring　him　back.　But　they　did　not　come　and　she　knew　why.　Before,　they　had　crowded　in　to　look　at　her　—　to　see　the　famous　singing　star　of　Chungking.　Now　that　she　was　ugly　and　sick,　who　would　want　to　see　her？　A　pregnant　woman　was　not　a　pretty　sight.　She　walked　a　few　steps　in　the　little　room,　and　sat　down　heavily　on　the　bed.

When　the　baby　kicked　she　felt　a　pain　that　was　more　mental　than　physical.　It　was　fear　of　the　unknown.　Suppose　the　baby　were　born　in　this　squalid　little　room？　Perspiration　dripped　from　her　forehead.　She　knew　so　little　about　anything.　What　world　she　do　if　a　live　baby　were　suddenly　to　leap　from　her　tortured　stomach？　She　had　heard　that　women　screamed　as　they　gave　birth.　Was　the　pain　so　dreadful？　It　seemed　that　with　every　kick　of　the　little　foot　inside　her,　the　pain　got　sharper　and　more　unendurable.

She　lay　in　half　trance.　If　only　Chang　Wen　were　there　to　comfort　her.　At　the　sound　of　every　footstep　in　the　alley　she　raised　her　head　and　listened.　But　there　were　many　footsteps　in　that　sordid　alley,　with　men　and　women　going　about　their　business.　Chang　Wen　would　not　come.　She　became　convinced　of　that.　Perhaps　her　father　or　Phoenix　Girl　would　pay　her　a　visit.　There　was　no　reason　why　they　should,　but　the　thought　that　they　might,　comforted　her.　Yet　she　knew　they　would　not.　Their　would　was　different　from　hers,　a　regular　life　revolving　in　the　orbit　of　convention,　as　the　earth　traveled　around　the　sun.　She　was　in　a　world　with　no　path,　no　hope　of　regularity.

Two　days　later　Chang　Wen　burst　into　the　little　room.　He　was　wearing　a　brand_new　European　shirt,　with　a　silk　tie　and　a　bright　silk　handkerchief　in　his　breast　pocket.　He　looked　bronzed　and　handsome.　The　moment　she　saw　him　she　made　excuses　to　herself　for　his　absence.　He　had　been　busy　earning　money　so　that　they　could　eat.　He　had　been　working　hard　for　her,　because　he　loved　her.She　stifled　the　words　of　complaint　that　were　in　her　heart.　This　was　her　lover,　her　husband,　the　man　around　whom　her　world　revolved.　All　she　wanted　was　for　him　to　touch　her,　to　make　love　to　her　once　more.　Let　him　beat　her,let　him　leave　her　to　starve,　but,　please,　let　him　love　her.　That　would　make　her　happy　for　days.　In　her　imagination　he　was　already　loving　her　madly,　and　she　had　forgotten　those　three　long　days　of　hunger　and　suffering.　All　she　needed　was　his　love,　the　love　which　had　made　a　woman　and　a　mother　out　of　her.

But　Chang　Wen　did　not　even　kiss　her.　He　was　busy　packing.　She　watched　him,　frozen　with　wonder,　her　hand　jammed　hard　on　her　mouth　in　case　she　cried　out.　He　picked　up　his　socks　which　she　had　washed,　his　shorts,　his　shirts,　and　put　them　into　a　bright　new　suitcase　he　had　brought　with　him.　The　tears　came,　but　still　she　did　not　speak.

He　stopped　packing　for　a　moment　and　looked　at　her.　His　eyes　were　kindly　and　pitying.　There　was　a　little　smile　on　the　side　of　his　hard　mouth.“I'm　going　away　for　good,"　he　said.　“To　India."　He　went　on　packing.

It　took　a　little　time　for　her　to　realize　the　impact　of　what　she　had　heard.　Then　it　burst　on　her　—　India　—　all　those　miles　away.　She　jumped　out　of　bed　and　pulled　on　his　sleeve.　“Take　me　with　you,　Chang　Wen,　please　...　I'll　go　wherever　you　go.　I'm　not　afraid."

He　laughed.　“Don't　be　childish.　How　can　you　go　with　me　with　that　big　belly　of　yours.　You'd　look　fine　going　along　with　me　with　a　bastard　almost　sticking　its　head　out.　Shut　up！　I　have　better　things　to　think　of."

She　was　chilled.　She　let　go　his　arm　and　sat　on　the　bed,　her　eyes　dilated　with　fear.　“What　shall　I　do？　What　do　you　want　me　to　do？"　she　asked.

“Go　home."

“Before　..."

“Before　what？"

“Before　the　baby　comes？"

“Aw,　go　home.　None　of　this　`before'　stuff.　Get　wise.　Before,　you　were　glad　to　take　what　I　had　to　give　you.　You　ate　me　up　all　right,　so　I　gave　you　all　I　had.　Wasn't　that　enough？　You　had　a　good　time.　I　satisfied　you　while　I　could.　Now　I　can't,　because　I'm　going　away.　Don't　be　a　fool."

She　flung　herself　on　the　floor　and　clutched　at　his　ankles.　“Don't　you　love　me　—　not　a　little？"

“Of　course."　He　was　packing　more　rapidly.　“If　I　hadn't　loved　you,　how　would　you　be　having　a　baby？"

She　lay　where　she　had　fallen,　too　exhausted　to　get　up.　In　a　weak　voice　she　demanded,　“But　our　future　together.　What　about　the　future？"

“Who　knows？　And　don't　rely　on　me.　You　know　me.　I　have　a　soft　heart.　If　a　girl　in　India　wants　me,　I　shall　have　to　give　in.　I　can't　be　cruel　to　a　woman.　I　have　to　give　the　girls　what　they　want,　and　I　have　it　to　give.　You　know　that,　don't　you？　You've　had　it."　Smiling,　he　looked　down　at　her　and　ran　his　hand　over　his　shiny　black　hair.　“You　had　your　share,　didn't　you？"

When　he　had　finished　packing　he　looked　around　the　room　to　see　if　he　had　forgotten　anything.　Then　he　said　“Goodbye"　in　English,　and　vanished.

Behind　him　he　left　a　small　room,　a　bamboo　bed　with　a　comforter　too　bulky　to　go　into　his　suitcase,　two　bamboo　chairs,　a　bamboo　table,　and　a　pregnant　girl.

Lotus　Charm　lay　in　bed　till　hunger　forced　her　to　get　up.　One　thought　only　was　in　her　mind.　She　had　to　get　work　to　feed　herself　and　her　baby.　Perhaps　she　could　find　a　place　where　she　could　sing.　If　she　could　keep　alive　till　the　baby　was　born,she　could　earn　a　living　in　some　theatrical　troupe,　or　she　would　make　money　any　way　she　could　—　any　way　to　provide　for　the　new　life.　But　she　was　through　with　love.　That　was　a　silly　delusion.　The　old_fashioned　way　of　selling　a　woman　was　best;　or　a　marriage　arranged　by　parents.

She　sold　the　bamboo　table　and　took　the　proceeds　to　buy　food.　Well,　at　least　she　had　some　happiness.　Yet　it　seemed　as　if　happiness　had　to　be　punished,　as　if　human　beings　were　not　meant　to　be　happy.

Because　her　feet　were　swollen,　she　stayed　in　bed　the　next　day.　When　she　got　up　they　were　so　large　that　she　could　hardly　get　her　stockings　on.　She　realized　then　that　she　was　dirty,　that　she　had　not　changed　her　clothes　for　days,　and　that　she　smelled　like　a　beggar.　That　afternoon　she　called　on　a　few　tea　houses　by　the　riverbank.　When　the　proprietors　heard　that　she　wanted　to　work,　they　laughed　at　her.　Who　would　hire　a　woman　with　a　stomach　like　a　sack　of　rice？

She　tramped　back　to　her　room.　Her　two　braids　were　untied,　her　head　covered　with　dust.　Her　swollen　feet　seemed　to　weight　as　much　as　her　whole　body.　Her　lips　were　dry　and　sore,　and　the　whites　of　her　eyes　were　streaked　with　red　lines.　At　the　entrance　to　the　little　house　she　sat　down　on　the　steps,　unable　to　go　farther.　Her　underwear　that　she　hadn't　changed　for　days,　was　damp　and　clammy.　Perhaps　it　was　better　to　jump　in　the　river　and　save　the　baby　the　agony　of　being　born.

She　heaved　herself　up　and　walked　down　the　passage.　The　door　of　her　room　was　open.　She　waited,　startled.　Who　was　there？　Was　it　Chang　Wen　who　had　changed　his　mind？　Or　was　it　a　thief　come　to　steal　her　precious　comforter？　She　rushed　at　the　door.　For　that　comforter　she　would　fight　...　Then　she　stopped　short.　The　dimming　twilight　showed　a　bowed　figure　sitting　on　the　bed.

“Father,"　she　said,　“father."　She　knelt　down,　laid　her　head　on　his　lap,　and　wept.

“I　heard　he　had　gone,"　said　Pao　Ching.　“So　you　can　come　home　with　us.　I　couldn't　come　before　because　he　threatened　to　kill　me.　I　had　to　wait　until　he　had　gone.　I've　come　to　fetch　you."

She　looked　up　at　him,　doubt　and　wonder　in　her　eyes.　“I　can't　come　home　like　this,　father."

“You　can.　We　are　all　ready　for　you.　Come　quickly."

“But　mother　...　what　will　she　say？"

“She　wants　you,　too.　We　all　want　you."

Pao　Ching　rolled　the　comforter　under　his　arm,　and　they　set　out.　“I'll　work　for　you　forever,　after　the　baby　is　born,"　Lotus　Charm　promised.　“I'll　never　be　foolish　again."　She　stopped.　“Just　a　moment,　father,　I　have　forgotten　something."　She　set　out　along　the　alley　as　fast　as　her　swollen　legs　would　carry　her.

She　wanted　to　look　at　the　room　once　more.　It　was　dear　to　her.　This　was　her　wedding　chamber,　her　heaven　and　her　hell.　Here　she　was　loved　and　hated,　taken　and　thrown　aside.　Here　her　dream　came　to　life,　and　here　it　was　destroyed.　She　stood　in　the　doorway,　resting　her　eyes　on　every　detail　of　the　tiny　room.　This　sight　she　must　always　remember.

She　was　unconscious　of　the　passing　of　time.　The　little　house　had　been　bombed.　It　had　been　rebuilt,　and　bombed　again.　She　had　remade　this　room,　and　turned　it　into　a　love　bower.　The　room　would　be　empty　again.

Then　hand　in　hand,　she　and　her　father　walked　away,　puppets　on　the　stage　of　life;　an　old　man　and　a　pregnant　child　about　to　bring　another　helpless　puppet　into　a　troubled　world.

Phoenix　Girl　greeted　her　younger　sister　warmly.　Mrs.　Fang　was　waiting　in　her　room.　She　had　meant　to　be　obstinate　and　refuse　to　talk　to　Lotus　Charm,　but　when　she　saw　her　adopted　daughter,　she　melted　to　tears.　“Oh,　you　bad　girl,"　she　cried　hysterically.　“Come　on,　let　me　wash　you　and　put　you　to　bed."

Across　the　room　Little　King　gurgled　and　slapped　the　floor　with　his　hands.　Lotus　Charm　saw　him　and　smiled.